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Learn English with Crazy Stories – 001: My Husband Dresses as the Furniture

Learn English with Crazy Stories

They had a boring life. But that changed one night.
Now, all he wants to do, is be the furniture.

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Transcript
Every day when I go home, my husband is somewhere else in the flat. He is something else. I can’t even have a conversation with him. He wants to be an object not a person.
We used to be a very normal couple. We’d visit normal restaurants, watch normal TV. But 6 years ago, we got new neighbours, Rach and Kye. They were a young couple, very nice but also very cool. We pride ourselves on being good neighbours, so we decided to go and introduce ourselves to them. Over the course of the next few months we became friends.
We don’t usually go out late, but Rach and Kye invited us to go and check out a trendy new bar in the city. It sounded adventurous.. We thought that maybe this is what our relationship needed. Currently, our idea of adventure was ordering slightly spicy sauce with a take-away Indian dinner. How was I to know that this experience would change my husband, Bernard forever.
It was a big modern bar, you had to wear formal clothes to go in. On the inside, there were performers all around. Some were dancing and some others were pretending to be statues. We ordered some drinks, found a free table and sofa and went to sit down.
When Bernard put his drink on the table, I heard a little ‘ohh’. I thought it was Bernard, he does get excited at the strangest moments. But it wasn’t Bernard. It was the table. It then asked me to move the drink. It was at that moment we realised the table was a person. They employed people to be tables in the bar. Bernard was memorized! He couldn’t stop looking at the table! I thought it was funny, laughed and later we went home.
Little did I know that this was the start of something big. Bernard likes to make silly jokes sometimes, like the time he pretended there was an invisible monkey in the kitchen. One day after work, I found him naked on the floor, on top of his body was our dinner. The pasta was on his tummy, the carrots were on his chest and I bet you can guess where the onion rings were! Haha
I was a little shocked, but I thought it is a silly joke for one night only. So, I ate my dinner. Later I made him have a shower. I thought that was the end of it. But, no!
Every day I would get home from work and he would be lying on the floor with the dinner on top of his body. I tried to ask him to stop, but when he is a table he doesn’t speak. So, I just accept it and eat my dinner.
This continued happening until the sausage incident 4 years ago, when I accidently tried to eat the wrong sausage with my fork. He still has the same 4 teeth marks in his man vegetable.
However, the sausage incident didn’t stop him. Now, he likes to dress as different furniture. Sometimes, he is a chair and I have to sit on him. He has even created a cover for himself so that he looks more like a chair. It’s made of leather. Although, he did faint once in the summer from the heat.
Nowadays, when I get home, I don’t know what piece of furniture he is going to be. Sometimes he is the bookshelf and I have to put books on him. He makes me place them on him in alphabetical order.
People think it is strange when I tell them about it. Especially, the part about the fact that we don’t speak when he is pretending to be a piece of furniture. To be honest, it did bother me at first, but now I don’t mind. We used to argue a lot. But, I have learned to enjoy the peace and quiet after a long days work. At the same time, I don’t feel alone because I know he is there, whether he is the table for my cup of tea, the sofa for me to sit on or an umbrella stand, though I have to remember to put the umbrella in the right way.

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