Learn English with Two Old Men.
The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife’s hate of technology.
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- Alfred: Welcome to a very special episode of Learn English with two old men. Why is it a special episode? That’s because today is Geoffrey’s birthday! So, I thought it would be nice to surprise him. I’ve turned the lights off, so he will think I’m not here. Shhh, here he comes!
- Geoffrey: Hello? Alfred? Where are you? The lights are off. I’ve got the wrong day again! Oh well! I may as well take advantage of being alone by searching for Alfred’s hidden biscuits! He has to hide them from his wife! Silly old man! Anyway, where is the light? Here it is!
- Alfred: That’s not a light-switch Geoffrey, that’s my…
- Geoffrey: Ahh! Alfred are you ghost? I’m sorry by old friend.
- Alfred: Geoffrey, I’m not a ghost. Now, please take your hand off me!
- Geoffrey: Are you sure that is not the light-switch?
- Alfred: I’m very sure Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Are you a ghost, Alfred?
- Alfred: No, I’m just sitting in the dark!
- Geoffrey: Why is that?
- Alfred: You’ll see! I’m going to turn the lights on, now! Surprise!
- Geoffrey: Ahhh!
- Alfred: Happy birthday Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: My heart! Are you trying to kill me!
- Alfred: I have thought about it a few times, to be honest. But, today is a celebration of your birthday!
- Geoffrey: What are all these things?
- Alfred: That’s a birthday cake, they are balloons, and those are some presents!
- Geoffrey: Balloons at my age? I’m not a child!
- Alfred: Every year, you are more similar to a child than you think!
- Geoffrey: Yes. Do you know what an exploding balloon can do to someone my age?
- Alfred: Give them a sense of happiness?
- Geoffrey: No! I remember last year, in the retirement home, they celebrated old Mavis’s 90th birthday. However, a balloon exploded. Half the people died from the shock!
- Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey! That sounds horrible!
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, the good news was that no-one ate the birthday cake! So, I took it home! It was delicious!
- Alfred: Right!
- Geoffrey: I have to tell you something Alfred.
- Alfred: What is it?
- Geoffrey: My birthday was yesterday.
- Alfred: Ah really?
- Geoffrey: Well, at least that is what they tell me. But, I’m sure they change my birthday every year.
- Alfred: I thought it was today! I’m sorry Geoffrey. Actually, I have no idea. It’s my wife who has all the birthday’s written down. She tells me. She even bought the cake, balloons and the presents. I don’t know what I would do without her.
- Geoffrey: Your wife bought the cake?
- Alfred: Yes, why?
- Geoffrey: It’s not one of those organ cakes is it?
- Alfred: An organ cake?
- Geoffrey: Yes, one of those healthy organ cakes.
- Alfred: Oh! You mean organic.
- Geoffrey: Yes! That is what I said!
- Alfred: I have no idea; I can’t read the ingredients on packets these days.
- Geoffrey: Is it chocolate?
- Alfred: Yes, as you like it!
- Geoffrey: real chocolate?
- Alfred: Yes, I presume so.
- Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll have some after we’ve finished talking here. Do we actually have any listeners?
- Alfred: Yes! I think we have at least one.
- Geoffrey: It’s not your wife is it?
- Alfred: No, she hates technology. Our daughter once bought her an iPad for her birthday.
- Geoffrey: I have an ‘eye-pad’ I put it on my eyes every night so go to sleep. They are really good for people like me who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light! You see when I put it over my eyes, I can’t see anything!
- Alfred: Geoffrey…
- Geoffrey: Alfred. However, when I wake-up sometimes I forget that I’ve got my eye-pad on and I think I’ve gone blind! It’s a scary feeling! First, I have to find my way to the bathroom to go and do a number one. Then, I try to go to the kitchen, by holding onto the walls. I only usually realize that I’m wearing my ‘eye-pad’ when I give myself a wash an hour later. Then I take it off and realize that I’m not blind! It’s such a relief!
- Alfred: Can’t you feel the eye-mask on your face?
- Geoffrey: No, no. With all of those years outside, at my age, my skin is like wood. I can’t feel much these days, and that’s just my face!
- Alfred: Geoffrey. You are talking about an eye-mask. I’m talking about an iPad, it’s not the same.
- Geoffrey: Oh no? What is an iPad then?
- Alfred: You’re just like my wife!
- Geoffrey: Are you going to tell me?
- Alfred: Yes, I was about to tell you about my wife.
- Geoffrey: Ok, stop interrupting then! Please, go ahead!
- Alfred: Well, an iPad is like a little computer that looks like a big mobile telephone.
- Geoffrey: Ah a computer! Yes, I’ve used those sometimes in the library and at the day care centre. Doris tells me that the computer has been there 10 years and I was probably only the second one to use it in that time!
- Alfred: If you were the second person to use it, who was the first person to use it?
- Geoffrey: That was Joe, although we gave him the nickname Peeping Joe.
- Alfred: Who the devil is Peeping Joe?
- Geoffrey: He’s dead now. I think he was a pervert; he used to peep at the old ladies in their rooms through the keyhole.
- Alfred: Now I understand his nickname.
- Geoffrey: He used to use the computer every day for a year, and then go to his room. He was eventually caught on the computer looking at pornographic material. Something called GILFs. No idea what that means.
- Alfred: Me neither. But the computer was in the communal area, why did it take a long time for him to be caught?
- Geoffrey: Well, it’s a day care centre for the elderly. They’re all practically blind! They can’t see a thing!
- Alfred: A bit like us!
- Geoffrey: A lot worse. When I go there, I sometimes take advantage of their poor sight.
- Alfred: You take advantage of their poor sight? How?
- Geoffrey: Well, they often take biscuits back to their chairs and forget about them because they can’t see them. So, I take a walk around the room and collect all the forgotten biscuits.
- Alfred: That’s terrible Geoffrey! Why do you do that?
- Geoffrey: Well, you remember that my wife doesn’t let me have biscuits, don’t you?
- Alfred: Yes, but that is a terrible thing to do.
- Geoffrey: Why Alfred?
- Alfred: You’re stealing other people’s biscuits!
- Geoffrey: But, they’ve forgotten about them! If they don’t they get thrown in the rubbish by the cleaners.
- Alfred: Hmm
- Geoffrey: I guess you can say that I’m doing my part to help save the world! It’s my way of recycling!
- Alfred: I do see your point, but it’s not the same as recycling plastic, is it?
- Geoffrey: At my age, it’s just as good! I even take the half-eaten biscuits sometimes, if I haven’t had a biscuit all day that is!
- Alfred: That doesn’t surprise me Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Anyway, you were telling me about your wife’s iPad…
- Alfred: Yes, but I don’t think it can beat your story
- Geoffrey: Don’t be miserable, tell me.
- Alfred: Ok. My daughter bought my wife an iPad…
- Geoffrey: The little computer
- Alfred: Yes, the little computer. It was a present for her birthday. My daughter showed her how to turn it on, read books, check her email, although my wife has never sent an email message in her life. She even showed her how to subscribe to this podcast!
- Geoffrey: Subscribe to this podcast? Is that possible?
- Alfred: Oh yes! We’re on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts. People can even support us by subscribing on Patreon, all links are in the show notes.
- Geoffrey: I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds like a good idea!
- Alfred: Yes, subscribing is a great idea!
- Geoffrey: That was strange; it was like you were doing an advert in the middle of the podcast!
- Alfred: Yes, it was like an advert. Subscribe now!
- Geoffrey: Wow, back to the iPad.
- Alfred: Yes, after a day, my wife forgot how to use it. She now uses it for something completely different.
- Geoffrey: What does she use the iPad for?
- Alfred: Well, if you look under the cake.
- Geoffrey: Let me have a look… Ah yes!
- Alfred: Yes, she now uses the iPad as a tray for cakes and cups of tea!
- Geoffrey: I don’t usually like your mother’s…
- Alfred: My mother?
- Geoffrey: I mean your wife’s healthy lifestyle, but that is a great idea to recycle something.
- Alfred: I don’t know if it is a great idea. As I said the iPad was completely new!
- Geoffrey: I do need a new tray for my cups of tea. I might buy one of these iPads myself.
- Alfred: You do know how much they cost, don’t you?
- Geoffrey: Oh! They’re expensive are they!
- Alfred: A lot more than your monthly pension!
- Geoffrey: Maybe not. Anyway, I’d really like a piece of cake, Alfred.
- Alfred: Me too, I’ll call my wife for another cup of tea to celebrate my friend’s birthday.
- Geoffrey: It’s your friend’s birthday?
- Alfred: Yes, you are my friend, it’s your birthday.
- Geoffrey: Thank you. I guess that is why you have the cake
- Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! Happy Birthday!
- Geoffrey: Happy Birthday Geoffrey!
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