Learn English with Two Old Men.
It is a cold and rainy day in the shed. Geoffrey wants a cup of tea. Somehow, this leads to a story about having showers during the war. Are Geoffrey’s stories true? Who knows?!
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- ALFRED: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Geoffrey, you’ve been stirring that tea for the last hour. It’s probably too cold by now.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes it’s cold. Can you make me another?
- ALFRED: Really Geoffrey?! It’s raining outside and to make a cup of tea I’ll have to walk from the shed all the way to the house. I’ve only just managed to get my woolly jumper dry after coming her.
- Geoffrey: That’s a woolly jumper?
- ALFRED: Yes, why?
- Geoffrey: I thought you’d got a new pet.
- Geoffrey: It’s very thick.
- ALFRED: I do get old easily at my age, don’t you?
- Geoffrey: Sometimes, but it’s only a bit rain! I’ve seen worse, yes, yes. When I was in the war we couldn’t have showers, so we used to pray for rain. Then we’d take our clothes off and use the rain to clean ourselves, even in the middle of a battle.
- Alfred: Geoffrey! That can’t be true.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. It is! That’s why my skin is so leathery, rain water does that.
- Alfred: I thought your skin was like that because of the time that you bought some funny shaped candles thinking they were soap.
- Geoffrey: Well, nowadays with novelty candles and novelty soap, it’s easy to get them mixed up!
- Alfred: You didn’t notice the wick sticking out of it, did you?
- Geoffrey: I thought that was to help not drop it.
- Alfred: Why would someone need so much effort to not drop soap?
- Geoffrey: Well what about p
- Alfred: Please don’t say prisoners.
- Geoffrey: What about swimming pool changing rooms after senior citizen swimming classes?
- Alfred: What is wrong with the changing room after swimming lessons for senior citizens?
- Geoffrey: After all those old men have had a shower, there’s so much white hair on the floor, that you go in with bare feet and come out with a thick pair of white socks on your feet!
- Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! I’m sure that is not true.
- Geoffrey: Well, when was the last time you went to a swimming pool?
- Alfred: I haven’t been for donkey’s years!
- Geoffrey: Exactly!
- Alfred: Anyway, I’m sure you were about to take me on a fantastic and frankly probably imaginary story from your time in the war.
- Geoffrey: Well, my stories are true…usually… well; the parts that I can remember are true. Sometimes, I fill in the gaps with what I’ve read that morning in the newspaper.
- Alfred: Now, I see. So you didn’t have a state visit by the US president, did you?
- Geoffrey: No, probably not!
- Alfred: So, you were telling me how you had showers in the rain during the war…
- Geoffrey: Yes! I remember once we were held up in an abandoned French village called Cul-de-sac or something strange like that.
- Alfred: Cul-de-sac? I’m sure you’re getting confused with the street sign round the corner again.
- Geoffrey: Your street is called Cul-de-sac? Why on earth would they give the street a strange foreign name?
- Alfred: No, the street is called Hetherington Road. It is a cul-de-sac.
- Geoffrey: I still don’t get it!
- Alfred: That’s not surprising. Anyway, can we please go back to the war.
- Geoffrey: Go back to the war! Don’t you think we are a bit old! I can’t even stab a pea with my fork because my hands shake so much, never mind holding a rifle!
- Alfred: Geoffrey…
- Geoffrey: We fought for this country to make it free and you want to back to the war! Live in the present!
- Alfred: Geoffrey…
- Geoffrey: To be honest, I’m quite disappointed in you Alfred.
- Alfred: Geoffrey, please!
- Geoffrey: What?
- Alfred: I meant to say let’s go back to your war story.
- Geoffrey: Oh! Yes. Anyway, we were once held up in an abandoned French village called Cut my sack or something similar.
- Alfred: Oh dear…
- Geoffrey: Then some German infantry came round the corner and saw us; we were 15 men, all naked with our weapons out.
- Alfred: Your weapons out? You do been your gun, don’t you? I hope you are talking about your guns.
- Geoffrey: Yes, our guns.
- Alfred: I mean the metal gun not your… err… gentleman’s….
- Geoffrey: My gentleman’s what?
- Alfred: You know what I mean.
- Geoffrey: Yes, I know what you mean. I’m talking about our guns. We had all them out.
- Alfred: You’re not using an innuendo are you, Geoffrey?
- Geoffrey: An innuendo? You do have a dirty mind Alfred! I’m talking about our rifles, we were all naked and holding our own rifles.
- Alfred: Oh dear. Anyway, you said a group of German soldiers came round the corner and caught you all naked and holding on to your…erm…weapons. What happened then? They obviously didn’t kill you. You’re still here talking to you. Unless, I’m crazy and have created an invisible and often annoying friend to torture myself with…
- Geoffrey: Invisible friend?
- Alfred: Oh god! Maybe I’m not actually making a podcast and that is not actually a microphone. Maybe, I’m really in the bath talking to the toilet brush!
- Geoffrey: Alfred! You are really here! I am really here… I think!
- Alfred: Ok, I don’t think I’d be that cruel to myself, by creating you as an invisible friend.
- Geoffrey: You’re being very nice calling me your friend. You don’t often compliment me. I hope you are not going to cry!
- Alfred: No, I’m not going to cry. Anyway, those thoughts must be the effect of the new pills I’m taking.
- Geoffrey: New pills? What are they for?
- Alfred: Well, I’ve got so many pills that I don’t even bother to ask the doctor these days. I just ask him if I’ll still be able to remember my name in the morning.
- Geoffrey: Can you?
- Alfred: Yes, of course, Geoffrey. I’m not like you yet!
- Geoffrey: Sometimes, I have to write my name on my glasses case. But, that does mean that I have to remember where my glasses case is.
- Alfred: I feel so much better now!
- Geoffrey: Glad to help and old ‘friend’.
- Alfred: No, thank you ‘friend’!
- Geoffrey: This is getting a little emotional and personal. You’re not going to start crying are you?
- Alfred: I haven’t cried in years. I think. Not that I can remember. Anyway, please continue your story. Some Germans found you and your fellow soldiers naked…
- Geoffrey: Ah yes! They looked at us and quickly turned around and marched away. Except for one who stood there smiling. It’s not usual to find such a happy soldier during war-time. I gave him a wink. He gave me a wink back. Then, he eventually turned round and went away. The funniest thing is, he seemed to be carrying two pistols in his trousers.
- Alfred: I wish I could disconnect my brain right now.
- Geoffrey: Anyway, the Germans left the village. Then we all waved our guns around in celebration.
- Alfred: Please stop talking about waving your gun about.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. Then we put our clothes on.
- Alfred: Right.
- Geoffrey: You see, command HQ was very pleased. That village was at an important location in France. We managed to win and secure the village without firing a bullet. They told us we were all going to be rewarded.
- Alfred: Fantastic!
- Geoffrey: Unfortunately, the rest of them died the following month due to hyperthermia.
- Alfred: I’m not surprised. France is in Europe after all. A cold winter…
- Geoffrey: Yes, that is true, but…
- Alfred: …naked, such a shame they died of doing something such as showering in the cold rain. So silly! It could have been easily prevented.
- Geoffrey: Yes, but…
- Alfred: A group of men together, I’m sure in those situations when everyone smells, it doesn’t really matter.
- Geoffrey: Yes, but…
- Alfred: It just seems so ridiculous that they died from getting hypothermia from showering naked in the rain..,
- Geoffrey: Yes, but…
- Alfred: But what?
- Geoffrey: They didn’t get hypothermia from the naked showers!
- Alfred: How did they get it?
- Geoffrey: Well, they fell into a river.
- Alfred: They fell into a river?
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes!
- Alfred: How did that happen?
- Geoffrey: Well, the German who winked at me came back one day without his uniform.
- Alfred: Hmmm…
- Geoffrey: At that moment I realised that it wasn’t a gun in his trousers.
- Alfred: He was happy to see you?
- Geoffrey: Rather excited I would say.
- Alfred: Ok, but what has it got to do with the river.
- Geoffrey: Well, people weren’t so open minded in those days. Could you imagine a big 6ft 3 naked German coming towards you asking for a kiss and cuddle? To them, it was scarier than seeing 100 armed soldiers coming towards them. So, they all ran and jumped so quickly into the river that they didn’t see it had a layer of ice on top.
- Alfred: Why didn’t you jump?
- Geoffrey: Well, at that moment, I was missing my mother and really needed a hug.
- Alfred: Wow! I’m afraid to ask and don’t really want to know. But, did anything else happen?
- Geoffrey: of course not! I told him that if he tried anything, I’d give Adolf a call.
- Alfred: Thank goodness for that.
- Geoffrey: Anyway, where is that cup of tea?
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