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12: Learn English with Two Old Men – Healthy Geoffrey

Episode Notes

Learn English with Two Old Men.

Geoffrey always has his pockets filled with sweets, chocolate and biscuits. But today, he’s arrived to record the podcast looking very hungry and with his pockets empty. Is Geoffrey finally starting to live a healthy lifestyle?

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Transcript*

  • Geoffrey: Hmm, what is this funny thing? It looks like a lollipop made out of a sponge! I wonder if I can eat it. It’s a shame that I’ve got no teeth! We’ll I might as well give it a suck.
  • ALFRED: Geoffrey?
  • Geoffrey: Huh?
  • ALFRED: You’re not sucking on the microphone again are you?
  • Geoffrey: No! Well yes!
  • ALFRED: I’ve told you before that the equipment is not edible. Welcome to another episode of Learn English with Two Old Men, with me Alfred and my strange friend Geoffrey! Say hello Geoffrey.
  • Geoffrey: Hello hungry Geoffrey!
  • ALFRED: ‘hello hungry Geoffrey’?
  • Geoffrey: Well, I’m a little hungry you see!
  • ALFRED: You? A little hungry? I don’t believe it!
  • Geoffrey: Yes! It’s true.
  • ALFRED: But you’ve always got about 5 packs of biscuits or sweets in your jacket pocket. You’re always eating! Go on get something to eat from your jacket pocket and we’ll pause the podcast.
  • Geoffrey: Podcast? What’s that?
  • ALFRED: Oh god, not again! Never mind! We’re just going to have a chat in front of these microphones, but please have a snack first.
  • Geoffrey: I can’t!
  • ALFRED: Has your elbow gone stiff again!
  • Geoffrey: No, no, no.
  • ALFRED: Well, why can’t you? Have you forgotten where the pockets are on your jacket?
  • Geoffrey: I know where the bloody pockets are on my jacket!
  • ALFRED: You want me to treat you as a baby again, don’t you? I suppose you want me to come round the table and feed you, don’t you?
  • Geoffrey: No, no, no! My elbow is working fine! I know where the pockets are on my jacket and I don’t want to be fed like a baby!
  • ALFRED: Well, what is it?
  • Geoffrey: I…
  • ALFRED: What?
  • Geoffrey: I’ve got no food, no sweets, and no biscuits on me!
  • ALFRED: Really? I don’t believe you! I’ve never seen you without biscuits and sweets in 40 years! You do remember what sweets are, don’t you?
  • Geoffrey: I’m not brain dead yet! I know what sweets are! But, really I have no snacks on me!
  • ALFRED: Wow, this is big news! Are you finally trying to get fit? Are you worried about being at deaths door and you’re trying to get one more year?
  • Geoffrey: Well it is related with my health.
  • ALFRED: Congratulations! This is great news! I will support you in your quest to become healthier! We can go for walks together, go to the gym. Sit down in the gym cafeteria and watch the ladies work out.
  • Geoffrey: Actually…
  • ALFRED: You haven’t come to my house in those 30 years because you always said that the healthy food cooked by my wife Mabel is as like rabbit food. I suppose that now, with your new lifestyle and healthier life you’ll want to come over and enjoy one of Mabel’s homemade healthy dinners! I’m so excited. When can we expect you?
  • Geoffrey: Never!
  • ALFRED: But, why? Is there another reason that you’ve never come over? Is it Mabel? I thought you liked Mabel. Do you not like my wife?
  • Geoffrey: I love Mabel! I was always jealous that you had someone like her! I used to be in love with her! I still am.
  • ALFRED: You still are? I thought that was over!
  • Geoffrey: Well I was still in love with Mabel, until recently that is.
  • ALFRED: Until recently? What has happened? Why don’t you want to come to our house?
  • Geoffrey: I told you before that I don’t like that rabbit food that you people call healthy! Why eat that just to live 5 more years of being old and unable to move, when you can eat sausages and eggs everyday and not have the experience of wetting your old man nappies that your daughter buys you!
  • ALFRED: You don’t have a daughter!
  • Geoffrey: Well I’m sure that there is a nurse somewhere that will make me wear nappies in a few years time.
  • ALFRED: You already wear nappies Geoffrey. I remember you told me that they feel comfortable and give you a bit of your youth back to you.
  • Geoffrey: That is true. But, I’m not going to waste my time eating rabbit food!
  • ALFRED: But, you want to get healthy, right?
  • Geoffrey: No! No, I don’t.
  • ALFRED: But why the healthy lifestyle choice.
  • Geoffrey: That is the problem! It wasn’t a choice! It wasn’t my choice!
  • ALFRED: Well whose choice was it?
  • Geoffrey: My wife! It was my wife!
  • ALFRED: You don’t have a wife Geoffrey.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, I do. We’ve been married for a month. She’s already changing me! Changes for the worse!
  • ALFRED: Have you stopped taking your medicine again Geoffrey? An imaginary wife. Do you remember the last time that you stopped taking your medication. You thought that Charlie Chaplin was in your cupboards for a week!
  • Geoffrey: I’m still taking my medicine and Charlie Chaplin was in my cupboards! He said he was taking a holiday from the limelight, literally. He needed somewhere dark to stay. He was a bit dirty though. He spilt motorbike oil everywhere in the cupboard.
  • ALFRED: Why do you have motorbike oil in your cupboard? Why am I even asking that?
  • Geoffrey: My wife is real!
  • ALFRED: Ok, where do you find her?
  • Geoffrey: Well I’ve been going to the library for the last year and learning about how to use an electric counting machine.
  • ALFRED: Do you mean a computer?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, one of those things! One day I was on the Giggle.
  • ALFRED: Google.
  • Geoffrey: I once heard about a man who got married to a Russian bride and they met on the computer wires.
  • ALFRED: You mean the internet.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, on the internet! So, I decided to investigate. Unfortunately, no Russian women wanted to marry me. They said I looked too much like a woman.
  • ALFRED: Like a woman? You look nothing like a woman.
  • Geoffrey: Well, you see, I had to upload a profile photo. I wanted a photo where I looked young, so I decided to look for and use a photo from my days in the army.
  • ALFRED: That sounds like the opposite of looking like a woman!
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. But the only photo I could find of myself was from the army’s 1947 Christmas talent show.
  • ALFRED: The 1947 Christmas talent show. What was your act?
  • Geoffrey: I dressed up as the World War 2 babe, Vera Lynn and sang We’ll meet again!
  • ALFRED: Oh dear! So, now there are a hundred Russian women who think you are a 1940’s drag queen!
  • Geoffrey: Well, I eventually changed it and started to look at brides from other countries. It was then when I got a message from an attractive Philippine woman called Pim.
  • ALFRED: I’m gobsmacked! You can use a computer!
  • Geoffrey: Yes. We eventually started to exchange internet telegrams
  • ALFRED: You mean email.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. She was immediately interested in coming over and being my wife. Well, after I started to send her money every week.
  • ALFRED: Oh no!
  • Geoffrey: After, a few months, I bought her some plane tickets.
  • ALFRED: and she came? I thought it was going to be another internet scam.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, she came after I agreed to give her own credit card.
  • ALFRED: Oh dear!
  • Geoffrey: We met in the airport. She didn’t look like her photos.
  • ALFRED: She didn’t!?
  • Geoffrey: She looked 10 years older and a few kilos wider. But, I didn’t mind. Pim was here for me.
  • ALFRED: But, this was just over a month ago and now you are married.
  • Geoffrey: She was desperate to get married as quick as possible. It must be because she fell in love with me so quickly.
  • ALFRED: I see where this story is going to end. I’ll stay positive for the meantime.
  • Geoffrey: We got married a month ago. I love her, but..
  • ALFRED: But what?
  • Geoffrey: Well, I still haven’t seen her ..
  • ALFRED: her what?
  • Geoffrey: I haven’t seen her naked yet. I wouldn’t mind normally, I only really wanted to have someone to accompany me in life.
  • ALFRED: So, what is the issue?
  • Geoffrey: She calls me fat!
  • ALFRED: Well it is true.
  • Geoffrey: and she’s taken away all my biscuits! I’m now only allowed to have one biscuit a day. Otherwise it is bananas and other fruit. I’m not carrying fruit around with me in my pocket. The last time I did, I forgot that I had strawberries in my pocked for a month.
  • ALFRED: I remember! You had not just a fly infestation; you had a whole ecosystem of insects in your jacket. I remember that we decided to bury the jacket in your garden.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, you should see it now. A whole variety of plants has grown where we buried it!
  • ALFRED: Amazing! Anyway, you should be pleased that she is (so far) having a good effect on your life.
  • Geoffrey: No-one messes with my biscuits. Can I hide my biscuits in this room?
  • ALFRED: You do know that this is not actually a recording studio, don’t you?
  • Geoffrey: Really?
  • ALFRED: Yes, it’s my shed in the garden.
  • Geoffrey: I was wondering why you had plant pots for seats. Maybe I can hide my biscuits here.
  • ALFRED: Geoffrey, you are not hiding your biscuits in my plant pots!
  • Geoffrey: Please?
  • ALFRED: No Geoffrey!

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